Our little miracle

Katie was born on the 8th of May 2001 at 6.45 in the morning, weighing only 5 and a half ounces we called her our little miracle.

When I found her on the 20 of August 2018, her perfect lifeless body resting against the wall of her bedroom I couldn’t believe it. My entire world had left me in that moment. Why did I not see the signs? Why hadn’t she come to me for help? I would have given anything to give her a second chance. I wished that I was able to let her know I was there for her no matter what had happened. She could talk to me and we could work our way through it no matter how hard it’s going to be.

In the last few months she had stopped talking to me. I thought I had done something wrong so i asked her if everything was ok. She said it wasn’t me and not to worry so we just left it at that. I feel like such a bad mother. You were only 17 and you had so much left to enjoy. Becoming a mother, a grandmother. Travelling the world, meeting a boy on your travels and bringing him home and freaking out your Father. Growing old with someone you love..

I wish you could have shared with me, or with anyone.

I’m writing this now knowing that my words might touch another. Perhaps a parent somewhere who has gone through this. Or perhaps my words will reach another little girl feeling the same heartache as you were. Perhaps my words with reach a mother a father a sister or a brother and show them it’s not only them that is going through heartache and pain. I think the problem is that we don’t want to share our pain.

We think that if it’s hurting us it will hurt other people. But people are DESIGNED to hurt. We are designed to feel pain for a reason. Because that pain can help us make better decisions. We are designed to listen to others and have empathy for theirs. So please don't be afraid to share your pain with others. They may have just what you need to hear buried somewhere inside them.

If only I knew what you were going through. I would have held you and kept you from danger. Your little hands in mine like I did that cold morning you were born.

I will miss you my little miracle.

Love, Mum.